A few ways you can support colleagues struggling with their mental health

My two cents...

In response to my last blog post, many people have asked me what they could or should do to support colleagues who might be going through similar problems to those I have faced. The first thing I will say is that I’m not a mental health professional so what I’m sharing is simply my personal perspective and opinion. Secondly, I think singling people out because they have (or you think they have) a mental illness is not a very productive approach. Instead, I would suggest some universal ideas that benefit both those struggling with mental health and those who are not:

Authentic relationships. These are especially rare in the workplace. I remember at one of my first jobs a trainer said to “Imagine you are walking through a waterfall when you enter the office, leave behind your life outside when you come here.” A nice precursor to the plot of Apple TV’s Severance. HR directors need to decide if whatever benefit they think they derive by suggesting employees put their ‘work face’ on and pretend is worth the harm that such behavior causes.

In my view, this behavior benefits neither the pretender nor the people they interact with. It’s just a naive attempt by management to deny reality: Personal life affects work life and vice versa. For those struggling with mental health, I think this false separation and attempt at creating a ‘work persona’ is extra damaging because it prevents the opportunity for honest and trustworthy relationships.

Colleagues can be helpful for those struggling with mental health, in fact they may be the only people who could potentially help - especially for those who live alone. This isn’t to say colleagues need to be friends (or therapists!) but they do need to offer more than superficial work banter and show a willingness to support each other. When these authentic relationships exist at work, it opens the door to:

Loving honesty. If you pretend a problem doesn’t exist or shouldn’t be talked about, you are actively perpetuating that problem. This is a tricky one, because while being honest is helpful it doesn’t mean getting into arguments or expecting the target of your honesty to agree with you. When someone’s behavior causes mental, emotional or physical harm to you, themselves or others, I suggest doing the uncomfortable thing and speaking up. Don’t be a bystander. Don’t be an enabler. In this case, tough love is the best medicine. There’s no need to go into detail or launch off into a lecture, all you need to do is share your observation with the offender and intervene if you believe it is safe to do so. In some cases, it might be good to get outside authorities involved as well. I suggest reading up on bystander intervention, there are much better guides from trained professionals on this than what I offer here.

There is always a degree of subjectivity and just because someone is causing harm does not mean they are mentally ill. What I suggest is speaking your truth, if you think what someone is saying or doing is wrong or inaccurate and more than just a difference of opinion, tell them. In my experience, when I was going through bouts of depression and lamenting how much I disliked my job, colleagues were most often inclined to agree with me, regardless of their actual view. Even when I was turning in my resignation, managers would always support my reasoning (despite it not making sense to them) and either show no objection or attempt to argue “Yes, this company is awful - but they all are so you might as well stay.” (Yes, that happened). What would have been more helpful was if they actually attempted to shed some light, some logic, some balance on the situation.

This comes down to the fact that no one will seek help for possible mental health issues if they think nothing is wrong. Telling someone they should seek help doesn’t help. Instead, I suggest helping them notice harm they are causing themselves or others as well as ways in which views they claim are the result of sound reason, are not. When people become aware of the ways in which they harm themselves or others as well as when their system of reasoning is faulty, that can be the signal they need to explore seeking help. If no one speaks up, it can take a lot longer for that signal to get through.

Second chances, not stupid chances. As I noted in my previous blog post, despite my patchy work history, new managers would often hire me based on my promise to change and not be a quitter. It is great that there are so many people out there willing to give others a second, third or even fourth chance. Regardless of whether it’s a result of mental illness, when someone shows an established pattern of behavior it is reasonable to assume that it will continue unless there is a significant change in their personal circumstances. People can change, but it is more than just a desire to change that will lead to change. What was the cause of previous behavior? How has that cause changed? What actions have been taken?

When there is good evidence that they have understood the underlying cause of their behavior and taken action to change, then I think the risk of giving them a chance is worth taking. If there isn’t enough evidence to suggest much has changed, you will help them more by suggesting they do some personal work than by hiring (and thus enabling) them.

I hope this is helpful and provides a new perspective on how to support colleagues (or anyone else) who may be struggling with mental health. Most importantly, I want to stress that while being kind is always a good idea, it’s important not to let kindness slip into dishonesty and enablement. I am grateful to have so many kind and loving people in my life, but I am most grateful for the ones who are also honest and willing to share hard truths.